In 2023 I graduated University, and after a year in a job I hated, I found myself in an overwhelming cyclic state.

The world was opening up for me. But with that came euphoria and terror.

I felt a need to sum this up somehow. Find a way to visualise it. So maybe I might make sense of it.

I started by listing every emotion or experience I felt was consequence of my early adulthood.

I did this for a long time. And the list was endless.

But once I felt I'd vomited everything I'd been feeling into my sketchbook, I brought it to a coffee shop and spent the day refining my 'early twenties' experience into just 5 stories.

Since how I was feeling was cyclic, these 5 experiences held much weight of their own, but also heavily influenced one another. So, this series needed to work together as a story but also make sense when separated.

Here's where I landed.

~

Now titled 'The Decision' originated from this:

"I think we're at that weird age where life can change a lot from small decisions" ~ 'Normal People' by Sally Rooney

It is an incredible privilege to be granted many roads in life. The privilege of choice.

But with this comes a mental paralysis. A fear of making a wrong decision.

More specifically, at this age, every decision feels it holds immense weight. Immense pressure. Everything I decide now.. matters. This is my future. There's no turning back.

And in consequence, it's much simpler to trick myself that being comfortable where I am is better than risking a worse life. Forgetting it's also a risk for a better life.

~

Whilst developing 'The Others', I read somewhere, a question.

"How do I mourn all the lives I haven't lived?"

When choosing a path, I must say goodbye to the other lives I could've lived. Or at least some of them.

In another life I'd love to be a guitarist, drummer, figure skater, pilot, skydive instructor, actress, ceramicist, gymnast, film maker, video editor, wildlife conservationist.. it's endless.

I can still practice these as hobbies. And maybe develop a career from them someday.

But when choosing a career, there's this feeling of finality. Once I have chosen, I can't change it.

And in order to be successful, I must surrender every other option.

~

'The Thief' matured from a song I held very close to me at the time.

"Things look beautiful when they're so new,
And thinks look beautiful when they're away from you..
They seem to stay away from you" ~ 'So New' by Cillian Murphy

I thought it was a perfect wording of the more well-known 'comparison is the thief of joy'.

Like all of these other emotions, this comparison is something everyone deals with their entire life. But it is particularly heightened in early adulthood.

People I grew up with, once sharing the same town, route to school, same teachers, lessons, now have a vastly different life to mine.

We're suddenly all at very different speeds. Yet it feels everyone is ahead. Hearing news of a marriage, children, new career, travelling.

Am I behind? Not doing enough? Should I do what they're doing?

But if I try to live how another lives, chances are.. it won't work. I might blame myself. I'm not doing it right.

But the problem isn't me. Only that I'm forcing myself to live in a way that's not meant for me.

~

'The House' grew from this incredibly uncomfortable feeling I couldn't escape.

No where is home.

This strange in-between stage. I've outgrown my childhood but not yet reached what feels like a new home.

So, feeling lost, I force myself somewhere, hoping that feeling will come.

But the more I force, the more I feel claustrophobic. Stuck.

I don't think this feeling goes away for a while. And I don't think it should. I think this discomfort, feeling lost, is a place for growth. It forces questions.

If this doesn't feel right, then what is 'right'?.

It's turmoil. Feeling like I can't quite grasp onto myself. Like I'm hanging in space somewhere.

But I've also never felt so euphoric. Everything I thought I knew is gone. This is my time to explore. Experience. Learn. Grow.

~

Finally, 'The Change'..

Death and taxes are certain. But as is change. Change is inevitable.

Life becomes much more beautiful once we accept this.

My life has been constantly moving and losing many family members. And I'm not unique in this. No one's life is stagnant, even the ones that look most stable.

My younger self was very resistant to change. As soon as things felt better, more stable, that's when another big change would happen.

'I can't have anything good for too long.'

But then my mother died. The final blow. Forever the ultimate tragedy.

I realised, I will never find any sense of any peace, until I accept that I cannot control anything.

The one person I saw as a constant. Someone who would never leave me.

Died.

My entire future was now nothing how I imagined.

I can only imagine a future based on my knowledge of my past. But there will forever be things I haven't experienced and don't know exist. All of which could happen.

All I can do is live each day, and deal with every bit of change as it comes to me.

No expectations. Just being. Experiencing.

~

I felt these 5 paintings umbrella the chaos of emotions I was having at the time. But next came illustration.

I sketched many surreal images. But they were very separate and I was struggling to connect them as a recognisable series. I'd thought about an abstract glow travelling between paintings in their background, and when lined up, they would connect.

But the more I sketched, I unravelled this idea of using a fairy. And it all started to make sense.

Using fairy wings, and her surroundings, would give me the opportunity to play with and change many elements. Creating pieces that worked as a connected story board, but also on their own. I needed these feelings to feel cyclic and connected, but also hold their own weight individually.

I sketched many compositional ideas, with a lot of help from my mother. She even left her beautiful handwriting in my sketchbook. I must've been thinking out loud and asked her to scribe for me.

I finally settled with this. I felt it gave me a lot to play with. The figure, flowers, wings, light, floor, grass, chrysalis. I could alter the state of these elements to tell their own story without adjusting the composition too much from piece to piece.

~

'The Butterfly Effect' is a pivotal point in my early painting career.

There were a lot of firsts. Playing with light. With depth.

I originally wanted to paint these pieces as close to one another in style and skill. To pin my reference as 'The Decision' - the first piece I painted. But as I painted each one I realised there's beauty in watching my skill develop between each painting.

Through this series, I've learned it's important to paint what matters to me, not what I think will sell.

And for that, I am hugely proud of this project.

I hope it gives you something. Just as it has given me.